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A boy in the high school freshman advanced math class I teach is clearly very bright but sabotages himself by failing to turn homework in or finish problems on tests. Then he is distraught over his bad grades and I have seen him wipe angry tears from his eyes when he gets back a paper with a low grade. How can I help him break out of this self-destructive rut?

Oh, I know this boy. I have seen him in many forms over the years. He is yearning for success and afraid of failure. He is tied in knots because his performance in school does not live up to his intelligence or his image of himself as being a boy in control. The problem here isn’t just math. The problem is his developing as a learner, developing strategies for dealing with frustration and feelings of ignorance. Math is only one of this boy’s worries. He is struggling to develop into a dogged, courageous student. Such students are made, not born, and there aren’t a lot of ninth-grade boys who have developed into steady, resilient students. Their self-esteem and personal discipline are too erratic for that.

What adults forget about school is how exposing it is to learn something new and how humiliating it is to make mistakes in public. Stop and think. When was the last time you were required as part of your job, to do something inpublic that required mastering material you knew nothing about? When was the last time you your boss handed you back a report marked up in red ink? When was the last you got a grade on a piece of paper-in front of all your co-workers? Most adults avoid experiences like that. Children are put in embarrassing positions in school every day. It is so routine that we forget how painful it can be. This boy is smart enough to do the math; he needs to learn how to support himself emotionally when he does it. You can help.

I suggest that you talk with him. Ask him whether he knows how smart he is in math. Does he feel smart in your class? If not, why not? What happens when he tries to do the work at home? Is it too frustrating? Is there some other reason he isn’t finishing that homework? Tell him you see how much he wishes to do well. Tell him that you see his frustration. If you’ve seen boys like him get the hang of advanced math after a tough start, tell him so. That’s encouraging. Ask him if there is any way you can make math more accessible to him, but be wary of asking, “How can I help?” The idea that he “needs help” can make him feel like a loser. He’d rather see this as a matter of developing strategies for success-something winners do-and he’ll be right.

I’ve been divorced for some time and my son has gotten used to being the "man of the house" since I’ve shared a lot of my decision-making with him about my work and where we live, etc. As he’s gotten older, lately I’m beginning to think I’ve lost some authority as a parent and I need to establish that again. How can I take charge without making him feel demoted?

When a boy is the only "man in the house" he is almost certainly going to be mature for his age in comparison to other boys of the same age and, as a result, he is going to be a bit more demanding of respect. As long as he is not obnoxious about wanting his maturity seen you can freely acknowledge that he is pretty grown up. It is hard to see how it could be different in your house because, as you say, he is your confidante and partner in many things. I don’t know if you have younger children, but in situations with a single mom and an oldest boy, he often gets to share in the parenting duties, and that makes him like-what else?-a parent and a peer to his mother. When I visited South Africa I met a lot of boys and girls whose parents had died of AIDS. They were raising their younger siblings at age twelve and thirteen. Young children can take huge responsibilities if they have to.

You didn’t mention your son’s age. It doesn’t matter, because the fact that remains that he is still a kid precisely because he has a mother at home, an adult to watch out for him. And because there is a grown-up there he doesn’t have to make some decisions. It would be helpful to him if you would make it clear in advance that there are two categories of decisions: ones that are going to be yours alone and ones are going to be joint decisions. Simply say, "Honey, though it may be confusing at times, there are decisions which an adult should make and others which a mom and son can make together. If we are going to move to a new house or take a new job, I need your advice because we’re sharing a life, but when it comes to the usual kid stuff like curfew, homework, sleepovers, I need to make the decisions, because that’s what all parents do, and even though I rely on you as the "man of the house’ sometimes, and other times I just need to be a parent."

Tell him this in calm, quiet moments, not at the moment of decision-making. He’ll appreciate the advance warning and can adjust his reaction based on the kind of decision you tell him it is going to be.

Time-outs just seem to make matters worse for my four-year-old son. He can be misbehaving in some ordinary way, but when I order the time out he really blows up — crying and screaming and throwing things. His behavior going into the time-out is almost always worse than the misbehavior that got him the time-out in the first place. What’s going on?

Time outs are a time-honored parental response to a child’s misbehaving ways. I have recommended them and have used them with my own children. But they do not work with all children, nor do they work for children of all ages. Your son may be too young for a time-out. It may panic him to be away from you when you are angry with him. The fact that his misbehavior escalates after you announce the time-out suggests to me that he is experiencing some separation anxiety from you. The idea of being in his room alone may be more than he can bear at the age of four. How big is your house? How far away is his room? Does he panic when you give him other kinds of punishments?

Mastering anger is a very big issue for four- and five-year-old boys. They often greet our authority with confrontation, puffing their chests or shouting in an effort to bowl us over. Their ferocious behavior often successfully hides the fact that they are scared. Boys experience the same need for attachment and nurturance that girls do at the same age. A time-out can be scary for a boy if he believes he is being abandoned or that you have withdrawn your love. I have known boys who have been deeply frightened to be sent to their rooms; it feels like exile to them.

Sometimes we get fooled by boy bravado and we give them punishments that are terrifying for them, but they cannot tell us how scared they are because they want to act tough. I think that’s what is happening with your son. I recommend you keep him with you and put him to work. In the kitchen, have him mopping floors, scrubbing something. Wherever you need to be, give him some safe, hard work to do. Stay at his side and let this community service activity you require of him absorb some of his wild energy. Boys of all ages respond to punishments that require them to do something. It calms them down. Doing something for his mother, a reparative act, mobilizes a boy’s desire to please in a way that exile or detention does not. Perhaps I’m only writing this because I wish that instead of spending hours in detention in school, as I did, I had been asked to dig post holes or wash kitchen floors. Making amends and honest labor bring out the best in a boy.

I’m pregnant with our first baby and we just learned it’s a boy. I never had brothers and from what I see of other people’s boys, they look like a handful. Is there a simple piece of advice (so I can remember it when the going gets tough!) for raising a son to be a good man?

First of all, congratulations! You are in for an adventure, a learning experience and a lot of fun. All you need is a loving heart and an open mind. As for boys being a handful, all children are a handful! I have a friend who says, "All human beings are more or less impossible." I think that is true (it certainly describes me). That’s why we all need families who love us.

You already have one important key to parenting a boy: your vision of him growing up to be a good man. In the years ahead, think of what you’ve liked or loved about the good men in your life your husband, your father, a favorite uncle or grandfather or friend-and speak openly of those qualities with your son. Be attentive to your son’s own attributes, too, and let him know that you see him growing into a fine young man. Love the boy you got.

Please don’t think about boys as a problem: don’t brace yourself for their energy or their competitiveness. Embrace it all. Play with your son. Read to him. Sing to him. Laugh with him. Listen to him.

For a mother, raising a son means you’ll get as close as one can get to crossing the lines of gender. You’ll get to see the world through your son’s eyes, and the world won’t look the same. Mothers get to be adored by their sons, and that is really fun. You son will open your eyes, broaden your knowledge, and help your sense of humor. I guarantee it.

Janice from Washington, writes:

Our 8-year-old son, Sandy, is an athletic, fun-loving boy. Our worries used to be limited to his dare-devil skateboarding and his struggle with reading in his second-grade class. We were upset to discover recently that he has been doing a bit of stealing (nothing major, but still it’s stealing.) He stole a Pokemon card from one boy, stole a $5 bill from us, stole some change from a friend, and another time jimmied a vending machine and hit the jackpot. (We made him take it back.) Of course, he has lied about it every time. Each time, we’ve talked with him and explained that it’s wrong and it will cost him friends. He seems to understand, but then he does it again. We’ve taken away all sorts of privileges, but obviously that isn’t working. We know we need to change our strategy.

My husband thinks Sandy has a sense of entitlement because we give him too much. But we don’t give him allowance, and I’m wondering if he’s stealing because he doesn’t have enough autonomy or access to money. We have given him money for special chores, but to be honest, we haven’t really been great about letting him spend his money the way he wants. We hate to see him waste it on junk.

Could a change in friends and sports have something to do with the stealing? Sandy’s friends all began to play football at recess this year, and even though he’s athletic, he’s doesn’t want to play, so his once large group of friends has shrunk. He’s pretty much only got one friend now, and it’s a boy from a rather wealthy family that’s kind of messed up. Our home life has not changed except that in an effort to expand Sandy’s peer group and make him successful in something that he does well, we signed him up for hockey. He enjoys it, but it is a bit much-every week for 5 hours.

Sandy used to be a very honest person. I still think that he is basically honest, but with these instances of stealing and then lying about it, I’m not always convinced he is telling the truth anymore.

Why would he do this and what can we do about it?

Before I address the particulars of Sandy’s, situation, and the reasons why he might be stealing and lying right now, let me say that all children lie sometimes, particularly when they are confronted by their parents with wrong-doing. It is also the case that a majority of children cheat in certain situations and most experiment with taking things that don’t belong to them. (Didn’t you or your husband ever steal something as a child?) Children lie and steal for six main reasons:

• They are big enough to try something new and they now have the cognitive ability to maintain two different realities in their brains: the true story and the made-up story. Being able to deliberately choose to lie is exactly evidence of mental development. (Small children make up "tall tales" because they cannot yet distinguish between reality and fantasy).
• Lying, stealing and cheating are a way of exercising power in the world, and all human beings like to feel powerful.
• Kids get overwhelmed by their feelings, by yearning and envy for something they really want, like a rare Pokemon card, and don’t know how to arrange to get it except by stealing.
• Children under ten years old do not yet have the levels of moral judgment to understand the underlying reasons for rules and laws, so they try to circumvent them.
• Children lie to their parents to avoid feelings of shame and to try, sometimes desperately, to make sure their parents keep loving them.
• Finally, some children lie because they see their parents telling "white lies" a lot and they sometimes see their parents take things that don’t belong to them.

Even if lying and stealing are normal childhood behaviors, you are right to be a bit concerned about your son because he is under some internal pressure right now. His behavior has changed and your punishments haven’t stopped his behavior. So, what’s going on? Has he suddenly become an entitled boy? Is this evidence of his being spoiled? I don’t believe so, but what you tell me about his school situation tell me that he is feeling sad, envious and angry inside. Sad, because he has lost his friends at school; confused because he has also lost some status in school; envious because he thinks his only friend has so much more than he does, and angry, because he doesn’t know how to feel good about himself again and his parents won’t let him use his own money to restore his good feelings about himself.

I don’t believe that he just "doesn’t want to play" football at recess. My guess is that he gets frightened during the games or worries that he is not good enough, or that something has happened in the group of boys in second grade. Perhaps a powerful boy has emerged in the group and he doesn’t like Sandy. Perhaps he has pushed Sandy out of the group. That is not something Sandy would tell you voluntarily, because he likely feels ashamed about what happened (if it happened as I imagine).

Sandy is now down to only one friend, and my guess is that that boy boasts about his money and possessions to make himself feel better; unfortunately, his boasting is making Sandy feel worse; it is making him wish he had more stuff. Unfortunately, he has no way to get it because his mom and dad, for reasons of principle, won’t let him use his own money to buy things he really values. Collecting cards such Pokemon or baseball cards has been a traditional way of eight-year-old boys building their self-esteem for as long as I can remember. It helps them build memory and negotiating skills.

My suggestions are to check with his teacher about what has happened with the boys’ group in second grade, start arranging (or at least supporting) one-on-one play dates with some of his former friends-and, perhaps, with their parents as well. Finally, you should allow him to use some of his money to buy cards and candy. After all, we all like the freedom to use our money the way we see fit. What’s the point of having money if we can’t ever spend a bit of it on indulgences?

Christina from New Jersey, asks:

We have a typical three-year-old boy. He’s full of energy and doesn’t sit still long, especially when he’s expected to do so for things that don’t interest him. I don’t think he’s out of control or "bad," but he’s not perfect and sometimes it takes creative thinking to get him to listen or do what he is supposed to. Sometimes he’s perfectly fine, playing alone with his trains or cars, or watching a movie. He also plays very well with his sister.

However, his preschool teacher says he has an attention problem. At our recent conference she actually suggested there could be something wrong with him and I should speak to his pediatrician. She said he loses concentration at circle time, runs from station to station, doesn’t sit still at lunch, etc. She said if he doesn’t get it under control he’ll have problems in kindergarten and may fall behind. She must have noticed the look of shock on my face because she added that it could be the foods he’s eating that are giving him too much energy. His pediatrician says there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with him, and it’s premature to diagnose him at this age. I believe the teacher feels overwhelmed because in her class of 20 there are 14 boys and she’s singling some out.

How can we tell the difference between "normal" boy behavior and a problem that needs attention? Is there a way to get him to listen better, especially since the schools now expect so much of these little kids and have no tolerance for even normal active behavior? And how should we respond to this teacher?

A little boy who loses concentration at circle time? That’s normal. A three-year-old who runs from station to station in preschool? That’s expected too. You ask if I have any suggestions about what to do so a three-year-old boy will listen better? I absolutely do. Wait until he’s five, or seven, or seventeen…or twenty-three. A short attention span is perfectly normal in a three-year-old boy. Boys of this age tend to be very physical; though their behavior varies according to temperament-not all boys are equally restless-most boys this age tend to be interested in anything and everything, and not for too long. So, I’m on the side of your pediatrician. It is much too early to diagnose your son. It is much too early to worry.

The worries of your son’s teacher seem odd to me because they don’t have a developmental perspective. She says that if he is still this way at five-and-a-half he’s going to have trouble in kindergarten. Well, of course. If you behave like a seventh-grader when you get to high school, you are going to get in trouble; and if you are as disorganized as a ninth-grade boy when you get to college you might flunk out. That’s obvious. But most of the time people grow up in the way they are supposed to grow up. Five-year-olds act in a much more mature way than three-year-olds because they are five. By kindergarten age a boy will have a longer attention span, will spend longer time at the different stations in the room, and he is likely to listen better than he did at three.

I agree with your judgment that your son’s teacher is either overwhelmed by the number of boys in her group, or she is simply intolerant of normal boy activity levels. By school age, three-quarters of the boys in any class are more physically active than the girls. Only one-quarter of boys are as calm as the girls. The teacher should be accustomed to that, and should have more confidence in boy development. If you can do it gently, it might be a help to her to say, "We checked with our pediatrician and she says our son is completely normal for his age, that it is way too early to diagnose him." Perhaps that will help the teacher to understand boys better, or at least make her hesitate to diagnose a boy and scare his parents.

Rachel from New Jersey, asks:

Our son is two-years-nine-months old and has a terrible time with anger. Whenever he gets upset (especially when it’s about something where he lacks control) his immediate response is anger—yelling, screaming, throwing things for effect, even smacking or kicking me. No matter how consistent we have been about saying “hitting hurts,” trying to remove him from the situation, or taking things away when he mistreats them, this behavior persists. I want him to have better tools for expressing his feelings—he is very verbal. Any suggestions for a child this young? Other than these episodes (which are entirely limited to home) he is excited, engaging and joyful.

When I read your question all I could think was: Thank goodness two-year-olds aren’t six feet tall! And thank goodness they don’t stay two (and three) forever!

Helping boys manage their anger is a HUGE issue for many mothers whose sons are between ages two and four. Why is that? Typically, not because there is something wrong with their sons, not because their sons are particularly full of anger. It is because their wishes are so strong, their capacity to bear frustration is so low, and their level of uninhibited aggression is so high. Human beings—both boys and girls—are at their least controlled and least apologetic around the age of two. They can lash out with their screams, their words, their hands and their feet. They can seem incredibly powerful. Under these circumstances, saying, “hitting hurts” or something like “That’s not nice,” just won’t cut it. They need to be managed.

It is very important that you do not allow your son to hit you. If he tries to hit you, grab his arms firmly (not harshly) pin them to his sides, raise your voice and say, “Don’t hit me! You may not hit people!” Get right in his face and say it with strength and power, conveying how upset you are by his behavior. This may make him cry. That’s okay, because your distress will be upsetting for him. That’s an early form of empathy. If he then tries to kick you, wrap him up in a bear hug—this is called a “therapeutic hold”—taking control over his arms and legs until he has cried himself into a calm state. You won’t have to do this many times, but you need to do it until he learns that hitting is not the solution and that you are big enough to control him when he cannot control himself. Though many people spank or hit boys at a time like this, I do not think it is a good idea. If you hit your son, you might lose control and become abusive. In any case, all you are teaching is that hitting is the right solution, and that the bigger person hits the hardest.

Wrapping him up and holding him teaches him that you won’t allow him to hurt anyone—not himself and not you. While you are holding him, just continue to talk soothingly to him, saying, “I know you can feel really mad when things don’t go your way (when I don’t let you have candy, when you want a toy your friend has), but I’m not going to let you hurt people.” And then tell him that you know when he gets bigger he’ll be able to control himself, because all big boys do.

More than anything he wants two things in life: to have you love him and to be a big boy. So if you tell him that you have confidence that he is going to grow into a self-controlled boy, he will experience your trust and the love in your voice. I guarantee you that if you do this for six more months, he will start to develop more self-control. If you want to read further about the therapeutic hold, I discuss it in the “Wild Thing” chapter of my book, It’s a Boy! Write me back if he is still behaving like this at three and a half years old. I bet he won’t be.

Michael from New Jersey, asks:

Our son Sam is a sixth-grader. I have been reading a book called "King Dork" to him. The book is billed as a modern day "Catcher in the Rye." Thirty or so pages into it, the book’s protagonist encounters a girl at a party. She smokes some pot (he abstains) and some heavy petting ensues. As the scene progressed, I stopped reading to him because a) it seemed strange to read a sex scene to my son, and b) the general material seemed inappropriate. I let Sam finish reading the scene by himself and then he went to bed. I’m not sure what to do from now on. Continue reading to him, let him read it himself, or take the book away?

I can understand your discomfort at suddenly finding yourself reading a sex scene to your sixth-grade son. That isn’t what most parents imagine as bedtime reading when they open the book. However, such scenes are common in what is called Young Adult reading, and your son is getting very close to adolescence. I think you picked up a book advertised as "the new ‘Catcher in the Rye’" because you recognized that he is growing up. You were hoping to keep him engaged and willing to maintain the night-time reading ritual by picking a book with an adolescent theme. Had you forgotten what adolescents find edgy and exciting?

You’ve got three decisions to make: 1) whether to keep reading "King Dork" with your son, 2) how to talk with him about the scene you read together, or 3) whether to keep reading to him at night as he grows up. I recommend that you stay with the book, but you should read way ahead in the book so you won’t get surprised again. That will certainly make the book less exciting to you, but will enable you to finish it with him without an unexpected embarrassing surprise. If there is another sex scene, you can decide whether you want to read it together, or you can let him read it on his own.

In either case, I hope it leads to a talk between the two of you about sex and relationships. I can assure you that all sixth-graders are talking about relationships with the opposite sex; that’s a staple of middle-school conversation. Many of them are thinking about the importance of sex, even if they are not yet actually imagining have it; many already have a masturbatory life.

I believe that you should and could use this book as a chance to talk about sex. Some good first questions might be: Are students in your grade talking about being girlfriend and boyfriend? What do you think about that? Do you know any boys who have kissed a girl? When do you think kids should first have sex? Have you had any sex education in school? Do you think you know everything that you need to know?

You might buy him a book like Robie Harris’s "It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health," if you haven’t already purchased a sex education book for him. It is funny and accurate and the illustrations are compelling.

Finally, I hope you continue your bedtime reading ritual as long as he will let you. Find some classics, things he wouldn’t read on his own, but that are still exciting for boys: "The Red Badge of Courage" or maybe Robert Louis Stevenson. Check with the town or school librarian or buy the guide, "Best Books for Boys: A Resource for Educators," by Matthew Zbaracki. There are many books that the two of you will find exciting and that won’t suddenly embarrass you. Sexuality tends to make parents and children a little nervous in each other’s presence. That’s normal. Keep reading together. He can start reading books with sexual themes on his own time.

Cheryl from overseas, asks:

Our senior in high school shows no interest in moving on, applying to college, or even getting a job. We have made it clear that no plans for further education means he is making a choice to get a job and support himself without the benefits of a college degree. No value judgment added there. In theory this should be fine but it seems to be leading nowhere and soon to booting him out and conflict that doesn’t seem healthy either. He has been tested at an extremely high IQ (155 across the board) with no learning disabilities and has always had a challenging education. Why is it so hard for boys today to "launch"?

I may not have enough information to answer your question. At the very least, I’ll have to ask you a lot of questions in order to figure out what’s going on with your son. You describe him as a senior in high school. I presume that this would be the spring of his senior year, yet he hasn’t yet applied to college. Did he not have a college counselor? Did he ignore her? Did he willfully refuse to apply to college when all his classmates were filling out their forms? If so, that’s unusual and makes me wonder whether he is depressed. Usually, seniors apply to college even when they are uncertain about what they want to do simply because all their classmates are doing it. The peer pressure for going to college is pretty strong and hard to resist.

Is your son tired, irritable, abrasive, or full of despair? Does he express feelings of futility or worthlessness? I am concerned about suicidal feeling when a boy does not seem interested in the future. Does he seem angry with you a lot of the time? Are you having trouble communicating? If so, you might need to see a family therapist to sort out some issues before he can go off into the world.

You haven’t told me whether your son has been a good student during his high school years. Sometimes very gifted students-and with an I.Q. of 155 your son is certainly in the 99th percentile, placing him among the very brightest young men on earth-are completely bored by school. He may have experienced himself as being smarter than most of his classmates and many of his teachers. Perhaps he doesn’t look forward to college because school has been a huge disappointment to him.

I have other questions? Is he in love and afraid to leave a girlfriend? You mention that you live overseas; is he anxious about going to college on another continent? Has he been an anxious boy? Has he ever spent much time away from home? Does he like to travel? If not, do you think he is afraid of being homesick?

I want to ask questions about his friendships, whether he has trusting relationships with adults outside the family, whether there are tensions at home, like an impending divorce, that might cause him to want to stay home to keep an eye on things. All I can say in conclusion is that it doesn’t sound to me as if your son is simply having trouble launching. There is something going on in his mind, and it is serious.

Amy from San Francisco, asks:

My husband came home with a gun-like toy for my 3-year-old son. I was outraged—especially when my son pointed the thing at me and said, "Mom, I’ve got a gun. I’m going to shoot you." I’d like to throw the toy away but my husband says that I’m overreacting.

This isn’t the first time our son has engaged in gunplay. These days everything—celery sticks, wooden spoons, paper towel rolls—shoots out bullets, fire, or hot lava. My son seems to be "hard-wired" with the XY chromosome that allows him to see a stick as an M60 machine gun. I can tolerate the pretend play, but not a toy gun. Am I overreacting?We all know that high school is extremely challenging on so many different levels and no adult would voluntarily choose to go back. So, why is it that we are so nostalgic for that time of our lives when we reach mid-life?

Thanks for writing me about the "outrage" you felt when your three-year-old son pointed a toy gun at you. Since you’ve asked directly, I’ll answer bluntly: yes, you’re overreacting. But you certainly aren’t the first mother to feel the way you do. I am often asked variations on this question by distressed moms. My favorite was the Quaker mother from Philadelphia, who told me that like any good Quaker she believed in peace and pacifism. Toy guns of any kind were completely banned from her house. Yet, one morning her son chewed his toast into the shape of a pistol and "shot" his brother with it.

Since the beginning of recorded time, little boys have enjoyed games in which they project their power into the world, and that means playing with "weapons." I have no doubt that "cave" boys pointed sticks at each other in threatening ways, or chucked rocks at one another, or imitated the spear-throwing actions of their fathers. Once guns were invented, boys were bound to imitate them. You have to admit, such play has its evolutionary purpose; they are practicing their hunting.

Yes, you object, but why do boys shoot their mothers? My answer is that a boy’s mother gets to see everything he is proud of or excited about; she is his first and best audience. But why does he shoot at you? Doesn’t he love you? Yes, of course he loves you, and doesn’t really want to hurt you. He’s playing and he is quite confident that his actions won’t really hurt you. After all, he knows that it isn’t a real gun. He just wants to see you react to his imagined power.

When I was on safari in Africa years ago I watched two lion cubs pounce repeatedly on their mother’s tail, which she flicked repeatedly in order to tempt them. She was part of the fun; part of the training process. What is the human equivalent of turning apparently aggressive play against you into something fun? I’ve never heard a suggestion better than one my colleague, Larry Cohen, Ph.D., wrote about in his book, "Playful Parenting". He suggests that if a child shoots you with a gun you say, "That’s a Love Gun and when you shoot me with it, I have to kiss you." When your son shoots you with his toy gun, you jump up and chase him until you can grab him and kiss him. Do that a bunch of times and I assure you, the game will be transformed for you. You will begin to see it as play that you enjoy. Remember the 60’s motto: "Make Love, Not War."

What I want to guarantee you is that there is no relationship between childhood make-believe gun play and actual adult violence. You don’t stop adult violence by banishing toy guns or objecting to boys’ play. That just confuses them. As the father of a peaceful, loving seventeen-year-old boy who has owned plastic guns, water guns, light swords and even a paintball gun, I can offer personal experience that this kind of gun play doesn’t lead to later aggression. I bet your husband played with toy guns when he was growing up and I bet he’s not a violent gun-slinging man.

Millie from Miami, asks:

We all know that high school is extremely challenging on so many different levels and no adult would voluntarily choose to go back. So, why is it that we are so nostalgic for that time of our lives when we reach mid-life?

Nostalgic for high school? You are talking to the wrong man. I haven’t been able to get myself back to a high school reunion because I am so scared of all the embarrassing, painful memories that might suddenly rush up inside me and make me feel fourteen, fifteen or even seventeen again. My experience of life is that it has steadily gotten better since I was a teenager. I found my fifties the happiest decade of my life and that’s what research in human development finds for most people. Personally, if I could go back in time, I would be fifty-one again in a flash, perhaps forty-five, but I’d never go back to eighteen. But that’s me and you asked me to explain why people in general are nostalgic about their high school years.

I think people selectively remember high school. Either consciously or unconsciously, when they look back they focus on what was new, exciting, beautiful and idealistic. And there was a lot of that: going to the prom, being editor of the paper, driving a car alone for the first time, the excitement of breaking rules and getting away with it, first sexual experiences, etc. Teenagers feel things more keenly than adults do; their emotional highs are higher and their lows are lower than adults’. Those strong feelings from peak experiences literally create strong connections in the brain that stay with you for life. If you only revisit those memories, you can have a lot of fun talking about high school with friends.

However, there are other feelings-negative feelings-that were every bit as strong as the positive ones and they laid down tracks in your brain, too. Most of us experienced painful self-consciousness, acute embarrassment over a faux pas, feelings of failure in school, actual experiences of shame and failure, or unhappy or exploitative sexual experiences, feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Just the other day I was driving the car and suddenly remembered inviting a girl to a formal dance in tenth grade and not knowing how to talk with her, not knowing whether she liked me or I liked her, not kissing her when I think she wanted me to (I couldn’t tell for sure!) and ending up feeling like a total dork. As these thoughts came into my mind I was suddenly suffused with confusion and shame, just as if I were a tenth grader again. Ugh! I turned on the car radio and tried to think about something else. The moment passed.

One of the things people are able to do in conversations about the past, however, is to bring them up and detoxify them by sharing the embarrassment, suddenly realizing that other people, indeed, everyone felt just as embarrassed as we did. Who knew? Who told? And once you’ve had that realization you can see yourself as part of the same struggling human community. Such conversations are therapeutic and healing. Think of how much squealing or shouting there is when people start to dredge up painful collective memories. "That was awful!" "Oh, I was so embarrassed!" "I didn’t know what to do!" After you have revisited these memories and laughed together, you all feel better (drinking helps, too).

If you can’t have those conversations with friends in public-and I couldn’t for many years-you can always go tell every embarrassing, humiliating, painful thing that ever happened to you to a therapist. If it works you’re cured. What does that mean? You can look back at your past and forgive yourself for having been young and inexperienced and human.

Finally, if you’ve been able to forgive yourself, looking back at the past can look quite rosy in comparison to all the humiliating and painful things that afflict you in the present: problems in your marriage, difficulties in your children’s lives, feeling stuck in your job, not enough money in your bank account, sagging breasts, cellulite, an enlarged prostate and trouble sustaining an erection. Hey, after thinking about all that, high school does look pretty good.

Parents in Beijing (From Little Star Magazine, Shanghai), asks:

Our daughter is graduating from high school this summer and going to college in America. Like many parents, we watched her grow up from a baby girl in kindergarten to a senior in high school. For years, we woke her up in the morning, picked her up from school and checked her homework in the evenings. This is the first time she is going to school alone and in a place so far away from home. She looks very unhappy, especially thinking of leaving us and being alone in the U.S. How can we talk with her, and what can we do to help her prepare for her new life without us around?

The departure of a child from her family is one of the biggest developmental transitions in all of life, almost as important as getting married or giving birth to a baby. When a child leaves the family it is the end of her childhood, the beginning of her young adulthood and the end of her (or his) parents’ day-to-day parenting. When your daughter leaves, everything changes, nothing will ever be quite the same. I am not surprised that your daughter looks unhappy at times; it is natural for her to feel a bit anxious and uncertain about the future. I am also not surprised to find that you are at a loss for what to say to her because you have not sent a daughter out into the world before.

You need her to know three things: 1) that this is a big adjustment for everyone in the family, 2) that it is scary and new, and 3) that you have confidence that she is going to make a success of it, because she is a strong person and she is prepared for this transition. Tell her that you see her nervousness, but also acknowledge your own. Seniors often tell me that they are worried not just about themselves, but their parents as well. What if the father of the family travels a lot on business and mother and daughter have been each other’s company and confidantes most days? A daughter might worry that her mother will be lonely without her.

I would advise you to say something like this: "Honey, I hope you know how much we love you. We’re going to miss you terribly when you go off to college. It has meant so much to be your parents that sometimes we don’t feel ready to have you leave, but we’re going to be fine and we expect you will too. All of your classmates will be going away to college; all of them will have left their homes; it is likely that a lot of them will be a little homesick and you can support each other. Please know that we will be in touch by phone and email as much as you need us to be."

Parents in Shanghai (From Little Star Magazine, Shanghai), asks:

Our oldest son just graduated from high school two weeks ago. Instead of going to university this fall, he has decided to take a gap year. He says he wants to pursue his other dreams before going to college to study chemistry. Although we know some students take a gap year before college, we are still a bit worried that his decision is too risky. We thought it would be better for him to pursue his other dreams after university or in the future. What do you suggest?

I am in favor of gap years, and I will tell you why in a moment, but I need you to know that I’m not the only person who feels this way. A few years ago, the dean of admissions for Harvard College, Bill Fitzsimmons, was asked what he would like to see happen for those select students who had managed to gain admission to that elite institution. He recommended that every student consider taking two years off from school before coming to Cambridge. It was his belief that given all the demanding academic work that his applicants had done in high school, they needed the life experience (and refreshment!) that would come from being out of school, that it would enable them to return to their academic work with renewed energy and commitment. A few years ago, when I ran a day-long workshop for the college admissions counselors of the eight largest boarding schools in the Northeast U.S. (Exeter, Andover, St. Paul’s, etc.) I asked the college counselors how they would change any aspect of the college admissions process if they could wave a magic wand and make it happen. Their universal recommendation was that the vast majority of students take a gap year before going off to college.

In my experience, a lot of seniors, especially the hardest working students, are pretty burned out by the time they finish high school. They have been on an academic treadmill since at least the age of five, and perhaps even earlier. They haven’t been able to make their own decisions, structure their own time, or make their own choices. Many are simply tired of school. In spite of being wonderfully accomplished in their academics, they do not feel very useful in the world. For such students, the experience of travel or work may give them a feeling of competence and maturity that they cannot get in school.

High school graduates from Australia and New Zealand typically take a gap year and travel before going to university. I meet them all over Asia, waiting on tables, working in hotels. The daughter of dear friends of mine took a gap year in Paris before going to college. She had to manage her own money, live in an apartment, attend an immersion French course, and meet people from all over the world, among other things. My friends reported that it was as if she had matured two years in the space of nine months from that experience.

You mention the "risks" of a gap year. I would say that there are risks in sending an unmotivated boy off to college. Many more boys than girls flunk out of freshman year in college. College students in the U.S. are surrounded by the heaviest drinking segment of the American population (a third of U.S. college students get seriously drunk once a week). If a young man is not psychologically motivated for college, he can become depressed, go socially wild or simply be an indifferent student.

I think you need to honor your son’s request for a gap year. At the very least, talk seriously with him about what he might do, does he want to work or travel, where would he go, with whom would he go, etc.? Ask him whether he would be socially lonely without the automatic group of friends that a college dorm provides. Help him think through what the year might be like. There is a chance that, after talking with you, he’ll find that he suddenly prefers college or he may become more excited about what a gap year offers. I believe that he’ll have a more successful year if he feels that he is choosing what he wants to do.

The one thing I can assure you of is this: I have never, in my entire career as a consultant to independent schools in the U.S. and international schools, ever known a student who failed to start college after taking a gap year. There is no risk at all of a gap year leading a student a loss of interest in education. Indeed, working a low-level job often increases a young man’s motivation for education.

Beth from Summit, New Jersey, asks:

I had the pleasure of attending a recent lecture on "The Pressured Child" which you gave near my home. One of the many wonderful points you made was that "at any given moment, every child is doing their best," given their current mindset, environment, distractions, etc., meaning, I believe, that no one tries to do poorly. I have a very bright 8-year old son who is in third grade; he is not particularly motivated to do his best or put forth full effort in school or in athletics. While I think I understand the point you were making, my son is clearly able to write neatly but often rushes and "chooses" not to. He is able to skate well and be a contributing member of his hockey team, but typically only does so for about half of a game. He is able to do math but often makes careless mistakes and refuses to check his work. What can we do to encourage him to give his all to whatever he is doing, to do his best and reach his potential?

You tell me that your son is bright, and that makes me happy for him. Intelligence gives a boy an edge in life; however, as you clearly know, being bright and being persevering are two entirely different things. Intelligence is a gift of nature; the capacity for sustained work is an ability that has to be developed over time. Not many eight-year-old boys have a "natural" capacity for sustained effort and attention, nor do they care enough about homework or the score in a hockey game.

Indeed, very intelligent boys often think that they have been given a gift-thank you, God-so that they can do their homework real fast and get it over with. Gifted boy athletes often think that they only need to get out on the field or the rink and show their stuff and then they can pay attention to something else. It is through practice and more practice, and seeing the positive results from all that work, that a boy’s capacity to knuckle down and do a thorough job increases.

I have two suggestions. Try sitting next to your son when he is doing his homework every night. Turn off the television, create a study hall atmosphere, get a book, sit down with him and say, "I’m going to sit with you because I know it is hard for most boys to pay attention to homework. I’m here if you have any questions." Just use your presence to let him know that you and he are going to sit together for a prescribed amount of time, say twenty minutes. I guarantee that your presence and attention while he works will slow him down.

If you have time for an experiment one evening, do the following. Photocopy his homework assignment (if it is a one-of-a-kind worksheet) and set the copy to the side. Tell him you are going to give him a speed test. Ask him how long it usually takes him to do one problem. If he doesn’t know, time him with a watch while he does a very easy problem. Then challenge him to finish all the problems in his homework in the shortest time possible (easy problem times X-the number of problems in the homework). Encourage him to do it at top speed. Once he has finished, set the homework aside, without looking at it. However, notice if he struggles with a problem. If he did, ask him to do that one problem slowly and thoroughly; once again, time with your watch. Then, present him with the second clean worksheet. Encourage him to do that worksheet at his "slowest" time (hard problem time x number of problems in the homework). When he has finished, put the two papers side by side and ask him to compare them. Make the task fun. See if you can engage him intellectually in the task. (If he discovers the scientific flaw in the experiment as I have proposed it, get him to propose a better design for the experiment)

What I am suggesting is that you can teach your son to take the time he needs to do a good job. He doesn’t have the ability at eight years old for the simple reason that he is….eight years old. He’s still impulsive and he’s not very motivated to play an entire hockey game. He will be in time, when he’s bigger, stronger, more focused and when he has developed the wisdom to know that thee is a very strong connection between effort and outcome.

Ann from Massachusetts, asks:

My 11-year-old son, whom I adore, continues to rush through his homework, class work, and tests. We have been after him since third grade to slow down and double check his work because he makes careless errors. Both my husband and I have tried speaking with him calmly, as well as getting angry with him. Nothing works. How can we inspire our son to slow down and do the best job?

One of the most common complaints that parents have about their sons is that they rush through their homework and are careless about their school work I get a lot of questions about this tendency. Since this problem is seen so frequently in boys, you need to know that your son is perfectly normal. However, in order to know how to help a boy persevere in an unpleasant task, we have to try to understand it from a boy point of view.

While there are boys who are conscientious about homework right from the start, many, many boys regard homework as something illegitimate, burdensome and pointless. They feel that they have sat in school all day listening to adults talk; they have done their best to sit still and follow school rules. It has been hard for them because the average boy tends to be more physically restless and impulsive than girls. So, the idea that they have to come home and sit down to do work again is simply unacceptable, even unbearable to them. Boys talk among themselves and support each other in their resistance to homework. They will say, "Homework is stupid!" and, "I hate homework!"

When your son comes home to a house filled with fun things to do, like television or video games or playing with friends in the neighborhood, his approach to homework is almost certainly to get it over with as soon as possible so that he can turn to something more fun. He believes he is doing heroics just to do his homework in the first place. You are asking him to CARE ABOUT IT, and that’s something he’s unwilling to do. You may never be able to persuade him that homework is important and necessary, but you can create a structure in the household that will help him to do get it done right. You do that by paying more attention to him when he is doing his homework.

I suggest that you create a “study hall” atmosphere in the house for about forty-five minutes to an hour each night. That means no television (not for mom, not for dad), no video games, no music. After dinner, for example, you need to clear the table and sit down with him and his younger brother or sister, if he has siblings. Tell them that this is homework time and you are there to be of help, if they need you. Ask some organizing questions, “What’s been assigned?” or “How long do you think this will take?” Just be a steady, calming presence. You should have something for you to read or otherwise occupy you-perhaps a newspaper, or paying the bills. Do not, however, talk on the phone or clean the kitchen. You should be doing the same thing he is doing: reading or writing Occasionally, just look up and watch his work rate and ask, “Do you have any questions?” or “How is it going?” or “Try to do your best work.”

If you see him speeding through an assignment, you might ask, “May I see that?” or “Are you doing your best work?” That is, catch him in the act of rushing and gently slow him down in the moment. That will be far more effective than waiting until he has finished his work and trying to get him to go back. He’ll resent that (“But it’s completely done, Mom!”)

Don’t pin him down for hours and hours. Forty-five minutes should be plenty, and he should know from the start that it is going to last for a finite period of time. If he expresses anger or frustration, you can say, “Only twenty-seven minutes to go; you can do it.” Some parents use a kitchen timer to give children both a sense of limits and a sense of hope.

I would be up front with your son by telling him that you are trying to teach him good work habits that will help him not only with homework, but with his future work as a man. “Homework,” you can say to him, “Is sometimes dumb, and I understand that, but good work habits are important for life. You will need them when you are a man.” It might help for you or his father to say that the one thing that employers require is an employee who knows how to do a good job.” That is, make the stakes about his future, his life, his work as a man, not about homework, because if the truth be told. a lot of homework is really dumb (Whoops! That’s the boy in me coming out!)

If you have never worked this way with him before, it may be tough to change the evening routine, but you should try. If he fights you, you can make his allowance depend on it, or make his ability to play video games conditional on working seriously during the “study hall.” What I don’t want you to do, however, is become his teacher. Think of yourself as his “homework aide” but don’t get totally detail-oriented, don’t go over everything, don’t check it until it is perfect. It is his homework, not yours. Teach work habits; don’t take responsibility for teaching the subject itself. Only give him help with the content when he asks.

Over time, he may find that he appreciates the structure you have put into place. He may find he likes being better prepared in class, or he likes getting better grades.