Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

Millie from Miami, asks:

We all know that high school is extremely challenging on so many different levels and no adult would voluntarily choose to go back. So, why is it that we are so nostalgic for that time of our lives when we reach mid-life?

Nostalgic for high school? You are talking to the wrong man. I haven’t been able to get myself back to a high school reunion because I am so scared of all the embarrassing, painful memories that might suddenly rush up inside me and make me feel fourteen, fifteen or even seventeen again. My experience of life is that it has steadily gotten better since I was a teenager. I found my fifties the happiest decade of my life and that’s what research in human development finds for most people. Personally, if I could go back in time, I would be fifty-one again in a flash, perhaps forty-five, but I’d never go back to eighteen. But that’s me and you asked me to explain why people in general are nostalgic about their high school years.

I think people selectively remember high school. Either consciously or unconsciously, when they look back they focus on what was new, exciting, beautiful and idealistic. And there was a lot of that: going to the prom, being editor of the paper, driving a car alone for the first time, the excitement of breaking rules and getting away with it, first sexual experiences, etc. Teenagers feel things more keenly than adults do; their emotional highs are higher and their lows are lower than adults’. Those strong feelings from peak experiences literally create strong connections in the brain that stay with you for life. If you only revisit those memories, you can have a lot of fun talking about high school with friends.

However, there are other feelings-negative feelings-that were every bit as strong as the positive ones and they laid down tracks in your brain, too. Most of us experienced painful self-consciousness, acute embarrassment over a faux pas, feelings of failure in school, actual experiences of shame and failure, or unhappy or exploitative sexual experiences, feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Just the other day I was driving the car and suddenly remembered inviting a girl to a formal dance in tenth grade and not knowing how to talk with her, not knowing whether she liked me or I liked her, not kissing her when I think she wanted me to (I couldn’t tell for sure!) and ending up feeling like a total dork. As these thoughts came into my mind I was suddenly suffused with confusion and shame, just as if I were a tenth grader again. Ugh! I turned on the car radio and tried to think about something else. The moment passed.

One of the things people are able to do in conversations about the past, however, is to bring them up and detoxify them by sharing the embarrassment, suddenly realizing that other people, indeed, everyone felt just as embarrassed as we did. Who knew? Who told? And once you’ve had that realization you can see yourself as part of the same struggling human community. Such conversations are therapeutic and healing. Think of how much squealing or shouting there insane inflatable 5k is when people start to dredge up painful collective memories. "That was awful!" "Oh, I was so embarrassed!" "I didn’t know what to do!" After you have revisited these memories and laughed together, you all feel better (drinking helps, too).

If you can’t have those conversations with friends in public-and I couldn’t for many years-you can always go tell every embarrassing, humiliating, painful thing that ever happened to you to a therapist. If it works you’re cured. What does that mean? You can look back at your past and forgive yourself for having been young and inexperienced and human.

Finally, if you’ve been able to forgive yourself, looking back at the past can look quite rosy in comparison to all the humiliating and painful things that afflict you in the present: problems in your marriage, difficulties in your children’s lives, feeling stuck in your job, not enough money in your bank account, sagging breasts, cellulite, an enlarged prostate and trouble sustaining an erection. Hey, after thinking about all that, high school does look pretty good.

Parents in Beijing (From Little Star Magazine, Shanghai), asks:

Our daughter is graduating from high school this summer and going to college in America. Like many parents, we watched her grow up from a baby girl in kindergarten to a senior in high school. For years, we woke her up in the morning, picked her up from school and checked her homework in the evenings. This is the first time she is going to school alone and in a place so far away from home. She looks very unhappy, especially thinking of leaving us and being alone in the U.S. How can we talk with her, and what can we do to help her prepare for her new life without us around?

The departure of a child from her family is one of the biggest developmental transitions in all of life, almost as important as getting married or giving birth to a baby. When a child leaves the family it is the end of her childhood, the beginning of her young adulthood and the end of her (or his) parents’ day-to-day parenting. When your daughter leaves, everything changes, nothing will ever be quite the same. I am not surprised that your daughter looks unhappy at times; it is natural for her to feel a bit anxious and uncertain about the future. I am also not surprised to find that you are at a loss for what to say to her because you have not sent a daughter out into the world before.

You need her to know three things: 1) that this is a big adjustment for everyone in the family, 2) that it is scary and new, and 3) that you have confidence that she is going to make a success of it, because she is a strong person and she is prepared for this transition. Tell her that you see her nervousness, but also acknowledge your own. Seniors often tell me that they are worried not just about themselves, but their parents as well. What if the father of the family travels a lot on business and mother and daughter have been each other’s company and confidantes most days? A daughter might worry that her mother will be lonely without her.

I would advise you to say something like this: "Honey, I hope you know how much we love you. We’re going to miss you terribly when you go off to college. It has meant so much to be your parents that sometimes we don’t feel ready to have you leave, but we’re going to be fine and we expect you will too. All of your classmates will be going away to college; all of them will have left their homes; it is likely that a lot of them will be a little homesick and you can support each other. Please know that we will be in touch by phone and email as much as you need us to be."

Parents in Shanghai (From Little Star Magazine, Shanghai), asks:

Our oldest son just graduated from high school two weeks ago. Instead of going to university this fall, he has decided to take a gap year. He says he wants to pursue his other dreams before going to college to study chemistry. Although we know some students take a gap year before college, we are still a bit worried that his decision is too risky. We thought it would be better for him to pursue his other dreams after university or in the future. What do you suggest?

I am in favor of gap years, and I will tell you why in a moment, but I need you to know that I’m not the only person who feels this way. A few years ago, the dean of admissions for Harvard College, Bill Fitzsimmons, was asked what he would like to see happen for those select students who had managed to gain admission to that elite institution. He recommended that every student consider taking two years off from school before coming to Cambridge. It was his belief that given all the demanding academic work that his applicants had done in high school, they needed the life experience (and refreshment!) that would come from being out of school, that it would enable them to return to their academic work with renewed energy and commitment. A few years ago, when I ran a day-long workshop for the college admissions counselors of the eight largest boarding schools in the Northeast U.S. (Exeter, Andover, St. Paul’s, etc.) I asked the college counselors how they would change any aspect of the college admissions process if they could wave a magic wand and make it happen. Their universal recommendation was that the vast majority of students take a gap year before going off to college.

In my experience, a lot of seniors, especially the hardest working students, are pretty burned out by the time they finish high school. They have been on an academic treadmill since at least the age of five, and perhaps even earlier. They haven’t been able to make their own decisions, structure their own time, or make their own choices. Many are simply tired of school. In spite of being wonderfully accomplished in their academics, they do not feel very useful in the world. For such students, the experience of travel or work may give them a feeling of competence and maturity that they cannot get in school.

High school graduates from Australia and New Zealand typically take a gap year and travel before going to university. I meet them all over Asia, waiting on tables, working in hotels. The daughter of dear friends of mine took a gap year in Paris before going to college. She had to manage her own money, live in an apartment, attend an immersion French course, and meet people from all over the world, among other things. My friends reported that it was as if she had matured two years in the space of nine months from that experience.

You mention the "risks" of a gap year. I would say that there are risks in sending an unmotivated boy off to college. Many more boys than girls flunk out of freshman year in college. College students in the U.S. are surrounded by the heaviest drinking segment of the American population (a third of U.S. college students get seriously drunk once a week). If a young man is not psychologically motivated for college, he can become depressed, go socially wild or simply be an indifferent student.

I think you need to honor your son’s request for a gap year. At the very least, talk seriously with him about what he might do, does he want to work or travel, where would he go, with whom would he go, etc.? Ask him whether he would be socially lonely without the automatic group of friends that a college dorm provides. Help him think through what the year might be like. There inflatable rockwall is a chance that, after talking with you, he’ll find that he suddenly prefers college or he may become more excited about what a gap year offers. I believe that he’ll have a more successful year if he feels that he is choosing what he wants to do.

The one thing I can assure you of is this: I have never, in my entire career as a consultant to independent schools in the U.S. and international schools, ever known a student who failed to start college after taking a gap year. There is no risk at all of a gap year leading a student a loss of interest in education. Indeed, working a low-level job often increases a young man’s motivation for education.

Beth from Summit, New Jersey, asks:

I had the pleasure of attending a recent lecture on "The Pressured Child" which you gave near my home. One of the many wonderful points you made was that "at any given moment, every child is doing their best," given their current mindset, environment, distractions, etc., meaning, I believe, that no one tries to do poorly. I have a very bright 8-year old son who is in third grade; he is not particularly motivated to do his best or put forth full effort in school or in athletics. While I think I understand the point you were making, my son is clearly able to write neatly but often rushes and "chooses" not to. He is able to skate well and be a contributing member of his hockey team, but typically only does so for about half of a game. He is able to do math but often makes careless mistakes and refuses to check his work. What can we do to encourage him to give his all to whatever he is doing, to do his best and reach his potential?

You tell me that your son is bright, and that makes me happy for him. Intelligence gives a boy an edge in life; however, as you clearly know, being bright and being persevering are two entirely different things. Intelligence is a gift of nature; the capacity for sustained work is an ability that has to be developed over time. Not many eight-year-old boys have a "natural" capacity for sustained effort and attention, nor do they care enough about homework or the score in a hockey game.

Indeed, very intelligent boys often think that they have been given a gift-thank you, God-so that they can do their homework real fast and get it over with. Gifted boy athletes often think that they only need to get out on the field or the rink and show their stuff and then they can pay attention to something else. It is through practice and more practice, and seeing the positive results from all that work, that a boy’s capacity to knuckle down and do a thorough job increases.

I have two suggestions. Try sitting next to your son when he is doing his homework every night. Turn off the television, create a study hall atmosphere, get a book, sit down with him and say, "I’m going to sit with you because I know it is hard for most boys to pay attention to homework. I’m here if you have any questions." Just use your presence to let him know that you and he are going to sit together for a prescribed amount of time, say twenty minutes. I guarantee that your presence and attention while he works will slow him down.

If you have time for an experiment one evening, do the following. Photocopy his homework assignment (if it is a one-of-a-kind worksheet) and set the copy to the side. Tell him you are going to give him a speed test. Ask him how long it usually takes him to do one problem. If he doesn’t know, time him with a watch while he does a very easy problem. Then challenge him to finish all the problems in his homework in the shortest time possible (easy problem times X-the number of problems in the homework). Encourage him to do it at top speed. Once he has finished, set the homework aside, without looking at it. However, notice if he struggles with a problem. If he did, ask him to do that one problem slowly and thoroughly; once again, time with your watch. Then, present him with the second clean worksheet. Encourage him to do that worksheet at his "slowest" time (hard problem time x number of problems in the homework). When he has finished, put the two papers side by side and ask him to compare them. Make the task fun. See if you can engage him intellectually in the task. (If he discovers the scientific flaw in the experiment as I have proposed it, get him to propose a better design for the experiment)

What I am suggesting is that you can teach your son to take the time he needs to do a good job. He doesn’t have the ability at eight years old for the simple reason that he is….eight years old. He’s still impulsive and he’s not very motivated to play an entire hockey game. He will be in time, when he’s bigger, stronger, more focused and when he has developed the wisdom to know that thee is a very strong connection between effort and outcome.

Ann from Massachusetts, asks:

My 11-year-old son, whom I adore, continues to rush through his homework, class work, and tests. We have been after him since third grade to slow down and double check his work because he makes careless errors. Both my husband and I have tried speaking with him calmly, as well as getting angry with him. Nothing works. How can we inspire our son to slow down and do the best job?

One of the most common complaints that parents have about their sons is that they rush through their homework and are careless about their school work I get a lot of questions about this tendency. Since this problem is seen so frequently in boys, you need to know that your son is perfectly normal. However, in order to know how to help a boy persevere in an unpleasant task, we have to try to understand it from a boy point of view.

While there are boys who are conscientious about homework right from the start, many, many boys regard homework as something illegitimate, burdensome and pointless. They feel that they have sat in school all day listening to adults talk; they have done their best to sit still and follow school rules. It has been hard for them because the average boy tends to be more physically restless and impulsive than girls. So, the idea that they have to come home and sit down to do work again is simply unacceptable, even unbearable to them. Boys talk among themselves and support each other in their resistance to homework. They will say, "Homework is stupid!" and, "I hate homework!"

When your son comes home to a house filled with fun things to do, like television or video games or playing inflatable football soccer dart with friends in the neighborhood, his approach to homework is almost certainly to get it over with as soon as possible so that he can turn to something more fun. He believes he is doing heroics just to do his homework in the first place. You are asking him to CARE ABOUT IT, and that’s something he’s unwilling to do. You may never be able to persuade him that homework is important and necessary, but you can create a structure in the household that will help him to do get it done right. You do that by paying more attention to him when he is doing his homework.

I suggest that you create a “study hall” atmosphere in the house for about forty-five minutes to an hour each night. That means no television (not for mom, not for dad), no video games, no music. After dinner, for example, you need to clear the table and sit down with him and his younger brother or sister, if he has siblings. Tell them that this is homework time and you are there to be of help, if they need you. Ask some organizing questions, “What’s been assigned?” or “How long do you think this will take?” Just be a steady, calming presence. You should have something for you to read or otherwise occupy you-perhaps a newspaper, or paying the bills. Do not, however, talk on the phone or clean the kitchen. You should be doing the same thing he is doing: reading or writing Occasionally, just look up and watch his work rate and ask, “Do you have any questions?” or “How is it going?” or “Try to do your best work.”

If you see him speeding through an assignment, you might ask, “May I see that?” or “Are you doing your best work?” That is, catch him in the act of rushing and gently slow him down in the moment. That will be far more effective than waiting until he has finished his work and trying to get him to go back. He’ll resent that (“But it’s completely done, Mom!”)

Don’t pin him down for hours and hours. Forty-five minutes should be plenty, and he should know from the start that it is going to last for a finite period of time. If he expresses anger or frustration, you can say, “Only twenty-seven minutes to go; you can do it.” Some parents use a kitchen timer to give children both a sense of limits and a sense of hope.

I would be up front with your son by telling him that you are trying to teach him good work habits that will help him not only with homework, but with his future work as a man. “Homework,” you can say to him, “Is sometimes dumb, and I understand that, but good work habits are important for life. You will need them when you are a man.” It might help for you or his father to say that the one thing that employers require is an employee who knows how to do a good job.” That is, make the stakes about his future, his life, his work as a man, not about homework, because if the truth be told. a lot of homework is really dumb (Whoops! That’s the boy in me coming out!)

If you have never worked this way with him before, it may be tough to change the evening routine, but you should try. If he fights you, you can make his allowance depend on it, or make his ability to play video games conditional on working seriously during the “study hall.” What I don’t want you to do, however, is become his teacher. Think of yourself as his “homework aide” but don’t get totally detail-oriented, don’t go over everything, don’t check it until it is perfect. It is his homework, not yours. Teach work habits; don’t take responsibility for teaching the subject itself. Only give him help with the content when he asks.

Over time, he may find that he appreciates the structure you have put into place. He may find he likes being better prepared in class, or he likes getting better grades.