Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

A boy in the high school freshman advanced math class I teach is clearly very bright but sabotages himself by failing to turn homework in or finish problems on tests. Then he is distraught over his bad grades and I have seen him wipe angry tears from his eyes when he gets back a paper with a low grade. How can I help him break out of this self-destructive rut?

Oh, I know this boy. I have seen him in many forms over the years. He is yearning for success and afraid of failure. He is tied in knots because his performance in school does not live up to his intelligence or his image of himself as being a boy in control. The problem here isn’t just math. The problem is his developing as a learner, developing strategies for dealing with frustration and feelings of ignorance. Math is only one of this boy’s worries. He is struggling to develop into a dogged, courageous student. Such students are made, not born, and there aren’t a lot of ninth-grade boys who have developed into steady, resilient students. Their self-esteem and personal discipline are too erratic for that.

What adults forget about school is how exposing it is to learn something new and how humiliating it is to make mistakes in public. Stop and think. When was the last time you were required as part of your job, to do something inpublic that required mastering material you knew nothing about? When was the last time you your boss handed you back a report marked up in red ink? When was the last you got a grade on a piece of paper-in front of all your co-workers? Most adults avoid experiences like that. Children are put in embarrassing positions in school every day. It is so routine that we forget how painful it can be. This boy is smart enough to do the math; he needs to learn how to support himself emotionally when he does it. You can help.

I suggest that you talk with him. Ask him whether he knows how smart he is in math. Does he feel smart in your class? If not, why not? What happens when he tries to do the work at home? Is it too frustrating? Is there some other reason he isn’t finishing that homework? Tell him you see how much he wishes to do well. Tell him that you see his frustration. If you’ve seen boys like him get the hang of advanced math after a tough start, tell him so. That’s encouraging. Ask him if there is any way you can make math more accessible to him, but be wary of asking, “How can I help?” The idea that he “needs help” can make him feel like a loser. He’d rather see this as a matter of developing strategies for success-something winners do-and he’ll be right.

I’ve been divorced for some time and my son has gotten used to being the "man of the house" since I’ve shared a lot of my decision-making with him about my work and where we live, etc. As he’s gotten older, lately I’m beginning to think I’ve lost some authority as a parent and I need to establish that again. How can I take charge without making him feel demoted?

When a boy is the only "man in the house" he is almost certainly going to be mature for his age in comparison to other boys of the same age and, as a result, he is going to be a bit more demanding of respect. As long as he is not obnoxious about wanting his maturity seen you can freely acknowledge that he is pretty grown up. It is hard to see how it could be different in your house because, as you say, he is your confidante and partner in many things. I don’t know if you have younger children, but in situations with a single mom and an oldest boy, he often gets to share in the parenting duties, and that makes him like-what else?-a parent and a peer to his mother. When I visited South Africa I met a lot of boys and girls whose parents had died of AIDS. They were raising their younger siblings at age twelve and thirteen. Young children can take huge responsibilities if they have to.

You didn’t mention your son’s age. It doesn’t matter, because the fact that remains that he is still a kid precisely because he has a mother at home, an adult to watch out for him. And because there is a grown-up there he doesn’t have to make some decisions. It would be helpful to him if you would make it clear in advance that there are two categories of decisions: ones that are going to be yours alone and ones are going to be joint decisions. Simply say, "Honey, though it may be confusing at times, there are decisions which an adult should make and others which a mom and son can make together. If we are going to move to a new house or take a new job, I need your advice because we’re sharing a life, but when it comes to the usual kid stuff like curfew, homework, sleepovers, I need to make the decisions, because that’s what all parents do, and even though I rely on you as the "man of the house’ sometimes, and other times I just need to be a parent."

Tell him this in calm, quiet moments, not at the moment of decision-making. He’ll appreciate the advance warning and can adjust his reaction based on the kind of decision you tell him it is going to be.

Time-outs just seem to make matters worse for my four-year-old son. He can be misbehaving in some ordinary way, but when I order the time out he really blows up — crying and screaming and throwing things. His behavior going into the time-out is almost always worse than the misbehavior that got him the time-out in the first place. What’s going on?

Time outs are a time-honored parental response to a child’s misbehaving ways. I have recommended them and have used them with my own children. But they do not work with all children, nor do they work for children of all ages. Your son may be too young for a time-out. It may panic him to be away from you when you are angry with him. The fact that his misbehavior escalates after you announce the time-out suggests to me that he is experiencing some separation anxiety from you. The idea of being in his room alone may be more than he can bear at the age of four. How big is your house? How far away is his room? Does he panic when you give him other kinds of punishments?

Mastering anger is a very big issue for four- and five-year-old boys. They often greet our authority with confrontation, puffing their chests or shouting in an effort to bowl us over. Their ferocious behavior often successfully hides the fact that they are scared. Boys experience the same need for attachment and nurturance that girls do at the same age. A time-out can be scary for a boy if he believes he is being abandoned or that you have withdrawn your love. I have known boys who have been deeply frightened to be sent to their rooms; it feels like exile to them.

Sometimes we get fooled by boy bravado and we give them punishments that are terrifying for them, but they cannot tell us how scared they are because they want to act tough. I think that’s what is happening with your son. I recommend you keep him with you and put him to work. In the kitchen, have him mopping floors, scrubbing something. Wherever you need to be, give him some safe, hard work to do. Stay at his side and let this community service activity you require of him absorb some of his wild energy. Boys of all ages respond to punishments that require them to do something. It calms them down. Doing something for his mother, a reparative act, mobilizes a boy’s desire to please in a way that exile or detention does not. Perhaps I’m only writing this because I wish that instead of spending hours in detention in school, as I did, I had been asked to dig post holes or wash kitchen floors. Making amends and honest labor bring out the best in a boy.

I’m pregnant with our first baby and we just learned it’s a boy. I never had brothers and from what I see of other people’s boys, they look like a handful. Is there a simple piece of advice (so I can remember it when the going gets tough!) for raising a son to be a good man?

First of all, congratulations! You are in for an adventure, a learning experience and a lot of fun. All you need is a loving heart and an open mind. As for boys being a handful, all children are a handful! I have a friend who says, "All human beings are more or less impossible." I think that is true (it certainly describes me). That’s why we all need families who love us.

You already have one important key to parenting a boy: your vision of him growing up to be a good man. In the years ahead, think of what you’ve liked or loved about the good men in your life your husband, your father, a favorite uncle or grandfather or friend-and speak openly of those qualities with your son. Be attentive to your son’s own attributes, too, and let him know that you see him growing into a fine young man. Love the boy you got.

Please don’t think about boys as a problem: don’t brace yourself for their energy or their competitiveness. Embrace it all. Play with your son. Read to him. Sing to him. Laugh with him. Listen to him.

For a mother, raising a son means you’ll get as close as one can get to crossing the lines of gender. You’ll get to see the world through your son’s eyes, and the world won’t look the same. Mothers get to be adored by their sons, and that is really fun. You son will open your eyes, broaden your knowledge, and help your sense of humor. I guarantee it.